The Vaizard Mobile!
by Saskia the Head V.M.D
Summary: HEY! you have got to read this. It is a combination of every story IMAGINABLE! See the first chapter for details. Rated T for minor alchohol drinking, flirtatious behavior, and spaztic, awkward situations    -Saskia
1. Introducing the Vaizard Mobile!

**Look! It's the Vaizard Mobile! This is a totally random, spazzy, fanfic that will eventually combine all the stories I know, and even some of yours! If you want to add a story, review with the title of the book and descriptions of the characters you want to add. Be prepared for character trait exaggeration, non sequiturs, total OOC ness, and everything random. **

**-Sincerely yours, Saskia**

"OTTO! Where are you?" Saskia yelled. Otto came in, surprisingly, from the kitchen, wearing a white chef's hat and an absurdly large apron.

"Were you cooking? The bus just can't make lasagna like you do, you know. Anyways, I need to know if we have anything scheduled for the next, oh, month or so." Otto's eyes flipped back into his head with a mechanical click, looking at the schedule. He was an android, you see.

"Well, we have one appointment in the Dimension of… hem… GB. But that is all."

Saskia groaned. She hated Dimension GB. But still, she was free for the rest of the month. And she had something big planned. Something hugely, colossally awesome.

"Otto, please fill the schedule. I'm gonna host a CHARACTER MESH!" Cheering issued from the speakers in the ceiling.

"So… how many people do you plan to invite?" Saskia thought about it, made some phone calls, and announced that at least fifty characters from at least eight stories should be attending. Otto looked pensive, and a blue button flashed on his arm, which meant he was calculating.

"So I will need to make… wow. That's a lot of lasagna." Saskia grinned.

"We can just have the bus make it," she said.

"But you just said yourself, I make better la-" Saskia cut him off.

"Otto, you won't have time to make all that lasagna. I will be doing a lot of talking, so you're gonna need to drive." Otto looked crestfallen.

"But I wanted to meet those elven chicks you were going to invite!" Saskia slapped him.

"You are such a pervert!" she said. "Sometimes I wish… hey, how did you know I was inviting elves?" Otto sighed.

"I spend most of my time around you, and therefore I am aware of your recent obsession with the Inheritance Cycle, and that your favorite character is Arya, so I figured at least she would be coming, and I thought maybe you'd invite the blonde one with the dragon tattoo just to se if…"

"Have you been reading '32 short tales about Alegesia1' again? I told you not to finish those!" Otto looked offended.

"She was in the first chapter! And you read them too, so why-"

"Because I'm a girl, that's why Otto." Saskia huffed. "And yes, Eduna and Neya are invited. You know me too well." Otto grinned. Saskia geared at him, and he stopped.

"If you don't behave," She said, "I'll make you drive the whole time and you won't even get to meet them." Otto pouted.

"Why do you get to force me to drive and I can't force you to drive?" he said.

"Because you're the Auto-Pilot. That's why your name is Otto, assistant Pilot of the Vaizard Mobile, and mine is Head Driver of the Vaizard mobile. Otto, Auto, see? It's your job." Otto grumbled, but didn't say anything. Saskia then hopped into the driver's seat, pushed several of the pointless buttons, then went to the control room to turn on the bus. She started the generator, turned on the ripper, then dashed to the driver's seat and turned on the ignition. The inter-galactic plasma-jet engines roared and began emitting purple fire. The bus surged forward into the dimensional rift in front of them.

The bus entered a weird bluish tunnel thing. She saw a group of people floating by, and recognized them as Syaoran, Sakura, Fai, Kurogane, and the Mokona from the Tsubasa dimension. Saskia opened the door and yelled to them.

"Hey! Do you guys want to come to my month-long Character Mesh?"

Syaoran looked over at her and said,

"No, we must find Sakura's feathers." Saskia huffed.

"Newbie, huh? I have everything on this bus, including Sakura's memories, Fai's magic tattoo-thing, Fai's brother, and whatever Yuko took form Kurogane, cuz I can't remember. And I don't charge insane prices for stuff like Yuko does. She's crazy." All the Tsubasa characters then turned into happy chibis and charged onto the bus, trampling Otto and leaving anime footprints all over him. He stood up and shook them off. The bus filled with mysterious fog all of a sudden, and then Yuko was there, with her head almost brushing the ceiling because of her insane tallness.

"Did someone just call me crazy?" she said. "Hello Saskia." Saskia raised her hand.

"Umm, I was the one who called you crazy because of your inordinately high pricing system. And I'm giving back these poor Tsubasa characters their stuff by the way. Yuko turned into a very angry chibi, sharp teeth and all.

"Whaaat!" she shrieked. "You can't do that!" Saskia just smiled.

"I'll give you a whole case of sake," said Saskia. Yuko resumed being normal. Saskia handed her a case of her favorite sake.

"And anyways, would you like to stay for the Character Mesh? You can bring Watanuki if you want." Yuko nodded, and Watanuki appeared. The Tsubasa characters were busy being amazed at the stuff they got back from Yuko. Saskia took out her cell phone and dialed her friend Phoebe's number.

"Phoebe," Saskia said when she picked up. "I'm hosting a Character Mesh. Want to come?" when Phoebe said she wasn't sure, she had a lot of things to do that month. Saskia said,

"Fai is here." Phoebe squealed, and hung up, then poofed dramatically into the bus. Everyone looked up, and Phoebe stared at everyone. Then she noticed Fai.

"Fai!" she squealed, and ran up to him and gave him a huge hug. He responded in kind then ruffled her hair, which she quickly smoothed down again.

"Don't do that!" she said.

"Well, glad you could join us!" said Saskia.

"Glad I could come!" said Phoebe brightly. "I haven't seen you in sooo long Ar- Saskia." Saskia heard someone's stomach growl.

"Who wants dinner!" she said, and led the way to the dining room.

"So," said Saskia after everyone was seated, "Think of what you want to eat, then tap your placemat three times." Everyone did, and a variety of food came up. Saskia had a cheeseburger and French fries; Phoebe had some miso ramen, with a lump of mochi floating in it. Fai got Chicken teriyaki. Kurogane and Syaoran got some sort of deep fried meat-and-rice thing, and Sakura got a bowl of udon soup. Yuko got a plate of udon, pink-and white starch cake pseudo vegetable things, and a glass of sake.

"No alcohol!" yelled Saskia.

"But you just gave me alcohol." answered Yuko.

"True." sighed Saskia, and did not make the Sake disappear.

With a loud 'pweew' sound, the bus exited the portal and landed on a deserted dirt road. It drove along at full speed, Otto was at the controls. Otto yelled something that was lost in the roar of the jet engines, and the bus screeched to an abrupt halt. All the food and dishes slid off the table and smashed and squished respectively against the far wall. Saskia was the only one who still had food because she had been holding her hamburger at the time. Still eating her hamburger, she dashed out of the dining room, yelling something about somewhere called Alegesia.

Arya groaned. She wished that her three companions would just shut up! They were so exited about this stupid party thing, and apparently Eduna knew this Saskia person. Eduna, Neya, and Eragon were chattering nonstop. Neya was obviously flirting. Suddenly, there was a loud tearing sound and a huge thing came hurtling out of thin air in a cloud of purple light. Eragon screamed like a little girl while jumping up and down and waving his arms. Eduna and Neya fainted at the exact same time. Arya jumped backwards and was about to draw her sword, when she realized this must be the Vaizard Mobile thing on the invitation. Suddenly, a girl with brown, frizzy, curly hair and brown skin dashed out of the bus. She was wearing an odd multicolored dress and seemed to be carrying some sort of sandwich. She then came to an abrupt halt and stared.

"we. actually. MADE IT!" she said. Then she looked up.

"OMG! IT'S ARYA!" she squealed, and before she could do anything, she found herself being hugged. She groaned.

"Please do not touch me." she said, and took a step back.

"Jeez." muttered the girl. "You are just like my friends. Nobody appreciates a good hug anymore."

Saskia led the two onto the bus, and then got her hovercraft and loaded the two unconscious elves onto it.

"So!" she said when she got back on the bus. Nobody was paying attention to her. Arya and Yuko were already arguing, Kurogane was trying to stuff Mokona into a jelly jar, Syaoran was talking to Sakura, and Eragon was distracted by Otto's t-shirt that said "Want to know how to keep an idiot busy? See back of shirt", and on the back, "Want to know how to keep an idiot busy? See front of shirt." Phoebe and Fai were not in the main room. Saskia pulled out a bullhorn.

"ATTENTION!" she yelled. Everyone looked up. "Lets all go out to the pond." they all then piled toward the door marked "POND". Saskia entered first to see Phoebe and Fai sitting on the bridge watching the sunset while eating chocolate ice cream.

They both looked up at the sound of a bunch of people entering the area.

"We totally just ruined a romantic moment, didn't we." said Eduna. Fai and Phoebe nodded. Everyone sat down on the bridge. Eragon was still trying to figure out Otto's shirt.

**Hey! How was the first chapter? was it as awesome as you thought it would be? Less awesome? More awesome? not awesome at all? Tell me what you think, and add your characters! Feel free to add yourself and/or an OC. I only need a description. **

**-Saskia**


	2. The Viper and drunken German tourists

**Hi, Its Saskia again, writing my fic about myself. Yes, I know, I'm a total sue already, but that is actually the Vaizard Mobile. Without it I am completely ordinary. But anyways. Sorry I took so long writing chapter two, I was doing a character study/ being obsessed with a musical. **

**-Saskia**

That evening, everyone was sitting in the main room of the Vaizard mobile. It had spawned more squishy armchairs, enough for everyone who wanted one. Everyone was wearing pajamas of various types, and had been assigned a little room that changed to each person's specific tastes.

"so," said Saskia, "who wants to heart a scary story?" Syaoran, Sakura, Eragon, Eduna, Neya, Phoebe, Fai, and Yuuko raised their hands. Arya, realizing she was the only one who hadn't, put up a hand too.

"Alright." said Saskia, was interrupted by a puff of rainbow smoke. A girl with brown hair and glasses appeared from the smoke.

"Molly!" said Saskia excitedly. Another chair appeared in the circle. "Sit down, I'm about to tell a scary story." Molly went to the chair.

"Ooh, a scary story." she said, "sounds fun." Saskia began her story.

"This story is called the Viper. So, one day, a woman got a phone call. When-" Eragon interrupted.

"What is a phone?" he said. Saskia huffed.

"I'll tell you later." said Saskia, "Don't interrupt anymore. That goes for everyone, and you can ask questions later. So anyways, when the woman answered the phone, a low, creepy voice spoke. "I am the Viper," it said, I am coming in fifteen minutes." the woman figured it was just a prank call, and ignored it. A while later, the phone rang again. When she answered, she heard the same creepy voice. "I am the Viper," it said, "I'm coming in ten minutes." The woman was sort of scared now, so she went upstairs into her bedroom. Then, a few minutes later, the phone rang in her room. She nervously picked it up, and heard the voice again, "I am the Viper," it said, "I'm coming in five minutes." the woman began to get truly scared, so she called the police. She locked the door and the windows, then sat in her bedroom to wait for the police. She heard a knock on the door, and went downtairs, figuring it was the police. She opened the door to find a short man in white overalls, holding a buket and some cleaning supplies. "I am the Viper." he said, "I have come to vipe your vindos." At that, most of the group burst into laughter.

"That was hilarious!" said Fai. several people nodded.

"I don't get it." said Eragon. Yuuko looked at him and rolled her eyes. Phoebe, Molly, and Saskia, who had all heard the joke before, began explaining at once.

"Well, you see,- So the Viper has- ugh, so it-"

"Sorry." said Phoebe.

"Don't be!" said Saskia. Molly explained the joke to Eragon in a very slow voice while Phoebe and Saskia had a calm debate about why Phoebe should or shouldn't be sorry for interrupting, which happened quite often between them.

"Okay," said Saskia after all the preceding events were finished, "So now we will begin traveling dimensions."

"Yaay!" said almost everyone.

"I can do that by myself." said Yuuko. Saskia glared at her.

"You're stealing my thunder." said Saskia, pouting.

"You don't have any thunder, so I can't possibly steal it from you." Yukko said calmly as she took a sip from her sake glass.

"Don't be so literal!" yelled Saskia. "And where did you get that sake?" Yuuko gestured towards the everything store. Saskia opened her mouth to reply, but a portal opened up in the ceiling and dumped two blonde girls and a whole bunch of men in touristy clothing into the lounge. The girls stood up, but the touristy men tried to, but kept falling over and swearing in German.

"Hi!" said one of the girls, who had two pigtails, "We got your invitation! Why did you have to bring Cassie's drunken German tourists? They will get annoying." Saskia grinned at her.

"I brought them because they are annoying. It will make things more interesting." She turned around to face everyone, who were staring at the new arrivals, primarily the drunken German tourists.

"Okay, everyone, introductions." she said. "This," she said, gesturing to the girl with pigtails, "is Shira. That," she pointed to the other girl, who was inspecting a panel of buttons on the wall. "is Cassie." Cassie pushed a button and a clap of thunder sounded.

"Muahahahaha!" she cackled evilly. "grr, I still can't do that as well as Reuben. Saskia, can we go and get Reuben?" without waiting for an answer, she dashd to the control panel and pressed a button marked "D". A screen popped up, and she began scrolling through it, looking for the "Basic Earth" dimension.

"Ooh," she said, "The dimension of gender bending. That sounds a lot more interesting." she pressed on the name, and a portal started to generate in front of the Vaizard Mobile.

"Cassie! No!" yelled Saskia , but it was too late. The Vaizard Mobile was sucked into the portal, headed to the dimension of Gender Bending.

** Ooh, a cliffie! How fun. Don't worry; I'll have the next chapter up very soon. Maybe even today! Who knows? If there are more characters you want to add, let me know!**

**-Saskia**


	3. The Dimension of Gender Bending Oo

**Hey hey hey, buckle up 'cause it's the Vaizard Mobile! This story is now rated T for rather more prominent alchohol consumption and Dr. Frank-N-Furter, who I had to have a leetle fun with. I apologize for the amount of time it took to write this, especially because I said I'd have it up soon, but I've been trying to think up ideas for my other stories that actually need to go somewhere… but I finally just gave up and wrote this, which I have plenty of ideas for. So, without further ado, here is the next chapter of the Vaizard Mobile. **

**-Saskia**

The Vaizard Mobile was travelling leisurely through the portal, which seemed even more psychedelic than usual. The drunken German tourists had been shoved out onto the observation deck and locked there because they had all been trying to crowd around the front window trying to see the "pretty colors". Now, Cassie was getting a stern talking-to in the lounge.

"Cassie how could you! This is the worst dimension you could've picked to go to!" yelled Saskia, who wasn't actually as angry as it sounded. "We'll all be gender-bent!"

"Wait, won't we be safe if we stay inside the Vaizard Mobile?" asked Cassie.

"No," replied Saskia with a sigh, "the GB dimension is an invasive dimension. That means that as soon as we get there, it will start seeping into the Vaizard Mobile. The observation deck is the first place that will be affected…" she trailed off and looked at the door to the deck. "Should we leave them there or let them back in?"

"I say we leave them," said Molly.

"I second that." Arya said. "And Saskia," she continued, "Why was this in my closet?" she took out what looked like a jar full of crème puffs.

"No idea." Said Saskia. Everyone shrugged and looked confused. Just then, a smooth female voice came on through the loudspeaker.

"Attention: approaching invasive dimension. Take whatever precautionary measures are necessary." It said. Eragon grabbed the jar of crème puffs from Arya and chucked it at the intercom, yelling "Die fiend, die!" The jar shattered and everyone was showered with bits of crème puff.

"Eragon, calm." Said Saskia, "its not dangerous. Anyways, we're getting near the GB dimension, so anyone who doesn't want people to see them as a member of the opposite gender should-" Just then there was a 'pweew' sound, and the Vaizard Mobile shot out into the Dimension of Gender Bending, jet engines flaring.

"Gosh Cassie, you've got terrible aim, we're thousands of feet off the ground!" said Saskia.

"Hey, I don't know how to drive this thing," replied Cassie. "Hey, where's Shira?"

Shira had dashed into her room after the announcement on the intercom, while everyone else was distracted by Eragon and the crème puffs. She did not want anyone else to see her as a boy, thank you very much.

Saskia jumped into the driver's seat that Otto had vacated at some point, pressed some buttons, and began to steer the Vaizard Mobile towards the ground.

"Okay everyone," she said, "We've got about fifteen seconds before the dimension gets in. The guys in the observation deck, well…" The group in the lounge heard some yelling and German cursing from the deck, which gradually turned to more high pitched yelling and cursing. Saskia gulped. "We haven't got much time." She said. Even as she spoke, her voice got a few octaves deeper, and in a few seconds there was a teenage boy sitting in her place, sporting a large curl afro, a dress, and very girly glasses. Eduna and Neya burst into tears, because they didn't think they looked pretty at all as male elves. Arya and Kurogane dashed off to their rooms and locked the doors, very embarrassed. Yuuko just sat there; too amused at everyone else to realize that she too had turned into a very tall man in a butterfly kimono. Fai stayed the same.

"Hey!" wailed Eduna, "Why didn't he change?"

"Because," said boy Saskia, "He sort of already looks like a woman…"

"He does not!" said boy Phoebe, trying to have an angrily high voice and only succeeding in cracking her now-teenage-boy-voice. "Whoah!" she said, "That was so weird!"

"Heheh, you sound very manly." Said boy Cassie, then; laughed at her teenage boy voice.

"Well," said Phoebe, "you… look very manly in your pants."

"Legolas looks very manly in his pants!" retorted Cassie.

"He doesn't wear pants!" said Phoebe, "he wears leggings!"

As Phoebe and Cassie got into a long argument about the difference between pants and leggings and which one Legolas wears, the Vaizard Mobile landed on the ground with a bump. They landed in a field, and Saskia began to drive through it, preparing for a portal out. Just then, the sound of shattering glass and a series of loud bangs came from the observation deck. The door suddenly flew off, and the drunken German female tourists burst in with a battering ram. They were followed by a very odd looking man wearing a corset, sparkly pink platform shoes, and way too much makeup. He was Asian, and had a pink streak in his hair. Saskia did a facepalm.

"Saskia, you make a wonderful transvestite." Said the man in a very smooth and rather creepily enticing voice.

"Get out." Saskia ordered, glaring at the man and pointing to the door. "And I'm not a boy by choice, it's this stupid dimension."

"Well," said the man, "you should try it more often. You're cute. And anyways, you were supposed to come and pick me up here anyways." He winked flirtatiously.

Saskia thought of a whole lot of rude things to say, but said none of them, because a customer was a customer, even if it was Dr. Frank-N-Furter of Transsexual Transylvania.

"Frank," She said exasperatedly, "I know you're supposed to be here, but you could've used the door. I mean, you didn't need to come crashing in here, or let in these idiot drunkards," she gestured towards the tourists "or SMASH my DOME! And please, PUH-LEASE DO NOT FLIRT WITH ME!" Saskia was screeching now, pushing the limits of her high tenor. Frank tried to look sorry.

"Just please don't tell me that you brought the rest of the gang with…" she trailed off as 'the rest of the gang', meaning Magenta, Riffraff, and Columbia, filed in behind Frank. Saskia sighed in defeat.

"Hey, calm down." Said Frank, "We both know you can fix that dome thing in two seconds dearie." He held up a hand at Saskia's don't-you-DARE-call-me-that look, " and I do not travel alone. I have to bring the party with me!" he ended by throwing out his arms, and the Vaizard Mobile responded with a shower of confetti and streamers from the ceiling. (Frank made even the Vaizard Mobile feel a little flamboyant). Meanwhile, Columbia and Magenta had spotted Yuuko's sake and were helping themselves to it.

"Ooh, you have alchohol," said Frank excitedly as he noticed, "oh, wait, its that weird Chinese stuff." He made a face.

"Japanese you fool." Said Yuuko peevishly. " And there is nothing wrong with this sake, it's perfectly good." Frank considered this for a while and then got himself a glass.

"Ohmygosh!" squealed boy Cassie, who had finally ended her argument with Phoebe about Legolas, "It's Dr. Frank!" She couldn't quite decide whether to be excited or scared, so she settled for jumping up and down, waving her arms, and simultaneously backing away.

"Oh, who might this nice young man be?" said Frank, determined to be boundlessly flirtatious.

"I'm not a man…" Cassie said, and decided on scared and went to hide behind a chair.

"ALRIGHT people." Yelled Saskia. "We're outta here. I'm not staying any longer than I must." She brought up the dimensions log and scrolled down to "Trannsexual Transylvania". She pressed the name with a wince, and the Vaizard Mobile zoomed off into the portal.

** Hi people, I hope that you thought that this was funny and not incredibly dry. Please tell me either way and I'll try to improve if it was bad. The amount of diolauge almost killed me, and I might have stuffed way too many bad jokes into one chapter, but what evvs. Hope you enjoyed!**

**-Saskia**


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